“You can put your mind to do whatever you wanna do
Just tell yourself that you capable, too
But don’t do things that ain’t even cool
And get rid of them no-good friends that’s enablin’ you
Makin’ you feel like you won’t be nothin’, your life crumblin’
They talk, mumblin’
You gon’ be something, you’re glorious
We’re no gangs, but warriors, we well-known, notorious
They can’t stop you or block you or mock you
They mad ’cause you bad and they not you
You fall down, but get up and skip and hop through
Kick down doors for others to walk through
You have a purpose, to make you say, “Did I do that?” Urkel
Now we callin’ reality virtue
This is who I am, this is me, don’t let them words hurt you”

Missy Elliott – This is me – The Greatest Showman Re-imagined

This track came on the other day and this particular part made me stop and listen. It made me remind myself that for everything else that I am. Father. Husband. Brother. Son. The most important thing that I am, the most important thing for me to be, is Me.

Like most men I was raised to think that we shouldn’t show our struggles. That we have to put on a front and bury our emotions. That we need to hide our true selves to avoid ridicule.

At one point in my life, through a series of events, I found myself considering suicide as a viable option. This is despite the fact that I had a family. I genuinely felt that they would be better off without me. They’re also the reason I’m still here simply because I didn’t want to them to discover my body, or have to identify it.
I managed to find a way through this dark period of my life and emerge into some light. I consider myself lucky as there are far too many who aren’t so fortunate.

As dark and bad as that part of my life was it did help me. I knew I never wanted to go back to that, and because of that when I began to struggle again, I reached out. I talked to people. I found help. I reconnected with parts of myself I hadn’t even realised I’d cut myself off from.

This wasn’t what I originally intended to write about today. But in light of recent events in the media it somehow felt too important not to. This is me sharing a part of myself with you that I tend to keep closed off. Not because I’m ashamed, but because I feel there are many, many others out there who have struggled far more than I have. And many who continue to do so.

Whether you have struggled with this ridiculous thing we call Life in the past or if you continue to do so just know that you are not alone. None of us have this figured out and I don’t think any of us ever will.*

I don’t really know how to sign off on this post and it feels like it’s already a rather rambling and winding affair as it is. If you’ve made it this far, I thank you.

Thank You for your existence you wonderful human being you❤❤❤

*if you have figured it out please write a users manual for everyone. It would be sooooo helpful, cheers.